


S04E16 - The New Crystal Gems Redux: Or, Nu Gems on the block.

by justinsbuzz



Series: The REDUX series. [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: Steven and Connie are tired.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Series: The REDUX series. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970806
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	S04E16 - The New Crystal Gems Redux: Or, Nu Gems on the block.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [organicjacket](https://archiveofourown.org/users/organicjacket/gifts).



> For organicjacket. thank you for the suggestion. be safe.
> 
> kind of a semi-major announcement at the end.

Connie laid there on Steven’s bed, wearing Steven’s shirt, and trying to channel her inner Steven. It had been a miserable couple of days. Normally, she would be hanging out with Steven, goofing off, and just having fun. But now, she had to play babysitter, solo. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as babysitting Onion with Steven that one time. Sometimes at night, she can still hear the bloodcurdling howls, and smell peanut butter and gasoline in the air. But this time around, explosions were kind of involved.

‘He could have just swung by to pick me up.’ Connie thought to herself. ‘I haven’t been on an adventure since the great north incident. I need danger too, ya goof.’

Her stomach began to rumble. As much as the idea of snacking on day old pizza seemed mildly appealing, she hoped that Steven’s fridge was magical and had something healthy. Having to polish 1/3rd of the pizza by herself since the beings she had to babysit didn’t eat anything, made her feel guilty enough to see if it’s possible to eat a head of lettuce like an apple. But by the time she reached for the door-handle, a strange whooshing sound came from outside. Connie marched towards the front door, instinctively grabbing her sword as she left.

A large, red, upside-down teardrop shape of a ship gently landed on the sand outside of the house. ‘could this be a ruby ship that Steven told me about ages ago?’ Connie asked herself, realizing that it was only a few months ago, and not what felt like 10 years. ‘Heh, those poor fools. Thinking they can get the jump on my Biscuit. Not today!’.

But as she leapt down from the balcony, thinking that stairs were for chumps and angry slices of pie, she saw the door of the ship open. She slowly drew the blade before she saw Steven, Greg, and the Crystal Gems walk out. After the past few days, there seemed to be a theme of disappointment in expectations. This… wasn’t that much of a disappointment. She still ran full force towards Steven.

“REEEEEEE, STEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEN!” Connie squealed as she lunged herself towards Steven, and being caught in his arms, only to be tossed in the air by 20 feet. Seeing how he had, yet again, underestimated his own strength. He jumped up to catch Connie in mid air, and gently hovered down. Steven was excited to see Connie, only until Connie had a look in her eyes. One that said that Steven was in trouble. He could only chuckle nervously on the way down.

“Um… Hey Connie!” Steven greeted Connie nervously as he carried her while floating downwards. “How… how’s things?”

“Oh. You know. Just quiet, having to protect Beach City solo- oh wait YOU STUCK ME WITH EMO GEM AND GAMER GEM!” Connie growled as she was being cradled by Steven. “Steven, it’s just a town of 30 people! I could conquer this place in 30 minutes, let alone protect this place. Why did you leave me with babysitting duties?”

“Um… well… I kind of forgot… that I asked both you and Lapis and Peridot.” Steven said sheepishly. “But for the record, I was jet-lagged from coming back from Korea, and my dad was kidnapped by a giant, blue, depressed, Irish lady, which happened to also be a Diamond.”

“Steven, just because your dad is seeing another person doesn’t mean he’s been kidnapped.” Connie groaned. “He deserves to be happy too. Even if he has a type, I don’t think she’ll be wanting you to call her mom any time soon.”

Amethyst fell over laughing, trying desperately to breathe.

“Oh my glob! M-mama blue Diamond! Oh man, I don’t- I- I can’t- I CAN’T BREATHE!” Amethyst rolled around on the sand, laughing loudly, as Greg began to literally turn as red as a cherry. A cherry man.

“I’m just going to go inside and change.” Greg groaned as he shuffled away. Connie took a double take on what she saw Greg wearing. then saw what Steven was wearing.

“Are… Are you wearing a loincloth?” Connie asked as Steven gently put her down. “Is he wearing a loincloth? DID YOU GET YOUR EARS PIERCED! We were supposed to do that together over at the near abandoned mall! STEEEEEVEN!”

Steven could only sigh.

“Okay, for one thing, yes. We are wearing loincloths. It’s called human-zoo chic, Connie.” Steven scoffed jokingly. “And two, they’re magnetic clip-on. And speaking of ‘two’.”

Steven took off one of the earrings and gently placed it on Connie's ear, but not without kissing her on the cheek.

“Awww. Now I’m only mildly annoyed with you, Biscuit!” Connie said, repaying one kiss on the cheek with another. “But… yeah. I missed you. And you could ha- wait. no. Honestly, it’s okay. Sorry for growling, hon. It’s just that those two… those two… ugh.”

“They were that bad?” Steven asked.

“Well, yes and no.” Connie said looking down “Let’s get inside. I’ll tell you everything.”

The inside of the house wasn’t too bad off. Nothing a days’ worth of housecleaning, and some repair bills wouldn’t fix. A box with day old pizza sat on the counter. The trashcan was only half full. Steven’s bed was strewn with a few dozen of Steven’s shirts. And a couple of towels were crumpled up on the ground in front of the bathroom door, which a tired looking Greg was standing in front of with a spare change of clothes he sometimes leaves there.

“Um, query, Connie. What did you do to the house!” Pearl squawked.

“Yes, I’m also interested in hearing this universes version of ‘The New Crystal Gems’, written by someone who’s running on steam and canned coffee.” Garnet stated, casually strapping 30 lbs. of C4 to the fourth wall like it was nothing.

“Right, well, first off, Do not open the bathroom door.” Connie spoke, looking at Greg.

“It’s locked.” Greg shrugged. “I think Peridot is using it. Or Lapis… I’m afraid to open it, so I’m just going to wear a loincloth for a while.”

“Good plan from a good man!” Connie cheered, giving him a confident thumbs up.

“THAT FERAL MONSTER LOCKED US IN HERE!” Peridot growled as she scratched at the door furiously.

“I’m not taking back my statement, string bean!” Lapis yelled, sounding highly annoyed. “You were acting like a Steven!”

“And your mom stole big chunguses legs!” Peridot snarled loudly.

The last statement was enough to cause Connie to rip her sword furiously out of the sheath, and marched to the door.

“I’m gonna make you hurt in the way that matters, you demonic Dorito!” Connie roared with flames shooting from her eyes. Steven, beginning to have second thoughts about living in a human zoo, wrapped his arms around Connie to stop her.

“No! Please! Connie! We can’t afford another door this month. It’ll be our 8th one! If we break another one, our door person will cut us off!” Steven whined as he held Connie back. The feeling of Steven’s arms wrapped around her made her calm down somewhat.

“You see what I mean though?” Connie said, putting her sword back in the sheath. “I know you were aiming to try to get us three to work together, but the problem is that they technically fall under the category of chaotic neutral. Or in this case, chaotic squared.”

“But that still doesn’t explain why you made a second bed out of Steven’s shirts!” Pearl groaned. They got wrinkles now!”

“Well, I did everything you asked, Pearl. I washed the trash, threw out the laundry, fed Jamie to Lion, and started, AND finished, a zombie apocalypse.” Connie listed off a number of things she’s done, but we won’t go into it for now.

“That’s the exact OPPOSITE of everything I told you.” Pearl groaned louder.

“But it wasn’t opposite day, Pearl.” Connie said with a slight smirk. Pearl ran headfirst into the temple door while crying dramatically. Sadly, the door didn’t open fast enough, causing Pearl to run face first into a wall made of solid crystal. “I’m… I’m just gonna… die here. I’ll clean this up tomorrow since tomorrow isn’t opposite day.”

“W-wha… wait… never mind.” Connie thought carefully about the conundrum. “But, yeah. Things kind of started off on the wrong foot. And that was the theme for the past few days.”

“Um… okay. Maybe start from the beginning?” Steven asked as he slumped down on the couch.

“Well, I got to the house about 10 minutes after you talked to me. heard some weird sounds from the bathroom, and-”

“SHE BROKE IN AND STOLE YOUR SHIRTS, Steven!” Lapis yelled from the bathroom, interrupting Connie.

“I caught those two playing in the toilet.” Connie said, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Playing. In. The. Toilet. I disinfected everything in the house. Just… they were splashing around!”

“Yeah… that’s them.” Steven nodded slowly.

“Anyway, we had a nice chat about how we were never introduced properly, and also confronting Lapis about her FREAKING DROWNING ME A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO!”

“We all have hobbies, Connie!” Lapis answered. “It’s called ‘having a life’! You should give that a shot!”

“Um, but didn’t anything else happen while I was gone? Any monster attacks?” Steven asked while feeling a headache coming on.

“No. Not really.” Connie replied. “We, for the most part, kind of, sort of… tried to find our roles.”

“your roles?” Steven asked, watching Connie sit down next to him.

“Yeah. we tried to be like you guys.” Connie said. “Peridot, Lapis, and Pumpkin were switching out rolls of the gems, while I was… you.”

“CAUSE YOU’RE A HIMBO!” Peridot shrieked. “HIMBO SUPREMO!”

“Awww. How can that end badly?” Steven asked.

“Apart from me having access you your shirts, which since we’re dating, means half of your shirts belong to me now.” Connie stated bluntly. “I kind of found myself to be slightly like my mom. Kind of no nonsense, and also I have odd ways of punishing bad gems why turned Mr. Universes car wash into a roller-skating farce.”

“We were working at the car wash! Roller-skates are a part of working at the car wash. Have you not heard the music?” Peridot yelled through the door.

“Well, you do look cute in them.” Steven said, holding Connie’s hand. “And also, I didn’t see any fire from the car wash so that’s kind of a good sign, I hope.”

“Well, I can safely say that no fires were had.” Connie said, trying not to look at Steven. “Yep, nothing caught on fire… no fire at all.”

“What happened?” Steven asked, knowing something did happen.

“Well, Lapis and Peridot thought that the car wash could be more efficient. So they decided to take a more hands-on approach by having Peridot/Garnet lift the car up using her metal powers, and Lapis/Amethyst would use their water power to clean them while they’re in the air.” Connie replied, trying her best to soften the blow which may have worked.

“Huh, I never thought about having them do that.” Greg said, listening to Connie’s story.

“Yeah because you’re an intelligent person who knew what would happen.” Connie pointed out. “It may have seemed like a good idea until someone stayed inside of the vehicle.”

“Oh man, who died?” Amethyst asked.

“No one thankfully. But the car wash sign did get totaled when the Dewey mobile was thrown at it.” Connie replied hesitantly. “Peridot had a tantrum when Lapis wasn’t cracking enough jokes while washing the car. Lapis then decided to take up slapstick comedy by throwing the van at the sign. Pumpkin played their roll as Pearl really well by running in circles and barking. They really brought the Pearl grade panic to the table.”

“But why didn’t you stop them?” Steven asked, looking very worried.

“Well… Since I was taking on your roll, I was trying to sing about friendship and love while Lapis had Peridot by her ankles in the air and Peridot was beating a manhole cover Lapis’s head.” Connie admitted shamefully. “I think someone filmed it.”

“Yyyyep. Ronaldo filmed it. And not going to lie, it’s the best video ever made.” Amethyst said, holding a phone to show them a video of Connie, looking on in horror as Lapis thrashed around with 8 tentacles of water. Peridot, mentally throwing a manhole cover at Lapis like Frisbee.

“Am I funny now, Peridot?! AM! I! FUNNY! NOW!?” Lapis growled loudly with a guttural voice.

“Say it, Lapis! Say I’m the superior gem! Your Leader demands it!” Peridot shrieked before she was yeeted towards Ronaldo, in which the video ends with the final image of a feral looking Peridot baring her teeth.

“W…why?” Steven asked, looking at the phone in disbelief.

Steven, after breaking his dad out of jail, was too tired to sort through this.

“Well, the sign was fixed at least. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg of punishment for those two.” Connie said, slumping even more on the couch. “But for the most part, there can never be a replacement for the real things.”

Connie rested her head on Steven shoulders. She was tired too. It had been a long couple of days.

**Author's Note:**

> for a start, i just want to say that i'm sorry i half-baked this. i was in the middle of writing it when my family got sideswiped by a medical emergency that caused some drama. I nearly lot a close relative, my mom, from one complication to another. she's safe, relatively, but i'm tired. really tired. writing has taken a fair amount from me. i enjoyed it for the most part, but that was only because there was content for me to work with. but now, with no more content around, and not getting much feedback, i don't think i can write anything anymore. at best, maybe a sabbatical indefinite hiatus. can't make cake without flour. i love to write, but without direction, feedback, or support, it feels like i'm drifting in space in nothing but a spacesuit. It's terrifying. so this might be it. maybe in a few months, best case scenario, i might continue the redux stuff. but right now, i'm in alot of pain, and really tired. I hope Peridot bites 2020 in the knees. or just something terrible. cause this year sucked.
> 
> as for the person whom i wrote this for, Organicjacket, they're onto something. something good. friend, you might only have a couple of stories, but so did i. you have a beat, a rhythm to it. i sense good things from you. heck, maybe in the distant future, if i read more of your stuff, i might try to get back into it again. I hope you're okay, and that you're safe, whoever you are. keep doing what you love. *hugs*


End file.
